


Four Important Things

by JezebelGoldstone



Category: The Losers (2010), The Losers - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Brief mention of past torture, Drama, First Kiss, Fluff, Future Fic, Love Declarations, M/M, More Fluff, Pining, Romance, Unrequited Love, but only technically, no just really there's like a lot of pain but a lot of gain too, not compliant with the comics, slight AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-22
Updated: 2016-09-22
Packaged: 2018-08-16 15:49:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,365
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8108302
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JezebelGoldstone/pseuds/JezebelGoldstone
Summary: And then. Whether there is babble or not, whether Jensen crosses his arms or clenches his fists or fidgets with his glasses, whether Jensen invites him into the kitchen for food and drink or whether he stands impervious in the doorway, no matter anything else, Cougar knows it will come to this:"Where have you been?"---Cougar searches for the words.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [profoundfangirl](https://archiveofourown.org/users/profoundfangirl/gifts).



> First Vi spent about a year trying to convince me to see The Losers (for my health). I FINALLY listened to her a week ago exactly. Six days ago I tripped into AO3 and fell down the Cougar/Jensen abyss. Then I bitched to Vi one night that I wasn't writing when I should have been, and she told me to drop what I was doing and just write a few hundred words. I wrote this whole thing in one go instead. So what I'm saying is: BLAME VI.
> 
> Also: we, as a fandom, REALLY need to come up with a ship name for these idiots. I'm thinking Jencou. Or maybe Cougen.

 

Hello? Can you hear me?  
I'm in California dreaming  
About who we used to be  
[- _Hello_ , Sam Tsui & Casey Breves (Adele trad.)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c-3TJ-97FmA)

 

 

The thing is, Cougar has always done his level best to not underestimate Jensen. Not for any altruistic reason, but simply because Jensen  _tries_ to be underestimated, and Cougar neither wants to fall for the same tricks as everyone else nor give Jensen the satisfaction.  
  
The second thing (and there are four things, four really, incredibly important things, but these are the two Cougar thinks of while he prevaricates) is this: Cougar's also never overestimated Jensen; which is remarkable, because Cougar has tried. He's tried overestimating Jensen and it never works because Jensen always comes through anyway. Cougar wonders what would qualify as 'overestimating' in this case.  
  
Anything rating less than a broken jaw, he supposes.  
  
But no; that's not fair. Cougar knows that. He's gone over every possible permutation of what might happen, the same as he used to for his part in all the missions, and what he's concluded is neither paranoid nor unrealistically hopeful is this scenario: he will make it to the door without alerting Jensen to who he is. He will knock and Jensen will answer (he'll go to the house when Jensen is home because he will wait and watch first, of course). And Jensen will--- well, his immediate reaction is not something Cougar can safely guess, but he is sure it will not involve violence. Incredible amounts of talking if he's lucky; silence if he's not. Maybe a smile if God wishes to grant him a miracle. Unquestionably there will be tight looks of hurt and confusion and anger; Jensen may or may not try to hide these, again depending on whether or not Cougar is lucky.  
  
And then. Whether there is babble or not, whether Jensen crosses his arms or clenches his fists or fidgets with his glasses, whether Jensen invites him into the kitchen for food and drink or whether he stands impervious in the doorway, no matter anything else, Cougar knows it will come to this:  
  
"Where have you been?"  
  
This is the third thing: Cougar does not know how to answer.  
  
He's never thought of himself as quiet. Other people say he is, but he's not, really. He simply has a habit of only saying aloud those things that cannot be communicated any other way. Someone asks him a yes or no question? A nod or a shake of the head will do. Which direction should they go? He can point. Often when faced with Jensen's antics, there _were_ no words. Just a smile or a shake of the head or some other gesture.  
  
This is all beside the point, though. The point is, no matter the words or the tone or the body language used to convey it, Jensen will want to know where Cougar has been and what he's been doing. Jensen has no idea what's happened to Cougar since the day they finally killed Max and Cougar walked away. And since Cougar hasn't been lurking across the street from Jensen's place this entire time, he can't exactly just point and raise his eyebrows or anything. He's going to have to say some words.  
  
He just doesn't know which ones.  
  
"Where have you been?" he imagines Jensen saying.  
  
No. Snapping. "Where have you been?" Accusatory; as well he should be. It's been a long time.  
  
Many places, Cougar could say. It is the truth. He could even offer to list them all off. It's not like he's been able to forget a single one of them.  
  
But that's not what Jensen would mean.  
  
"What have you been doing?" In Cougar's mind, Jensen's arms are crossed, but his face is soft with worry.  
  
Bad things, Cougar could say. This also would be the truth.  
  
But this is not how the situation is likely to play out. Jensen will be angry with him, and rightfully so. The more Cougar thinks about it, the more certain he becomes that Jensen will be--- Jensen will show his anger. He's been thinking about how controlled Jensen can be (despite his appearance otherwise) and how firmly he can keep his emotions (though they seem to spill all over the place) under lock and key. Like any good soldier, Jensen can subvert anything he's thinking or feeling in favor of focusing on the mission objective.  
  
However, planning based on this, Cougar realizes, is a flaw. Jensen _has_ no mission objective. There  _is_ no mission; not for Jensen. Jensen is simply trying to live his life. He won't _need_ to keep himself in check. Cougar is the one who has a goal. Jensen will feel anger, and he will show anger. He will not looked pleased to see Cougar. He will bring Cougar in to his home, but only so none of the neighbors can see. He will not invite Cougar into the kitchen. He will not offer him hospitality. His eyes will be hard.  
  
Another permutation. "What have you been up to?" Cougar knows this is wishful thinking. "What have you been up to, man?" The same upbeat, unstoppable camaraderie Jensen always showed him before. When they used to work together. When they used to be friends.  
  
This is Cougar's mission objective: to become friends with Jensen again. It is a selfish objective. He knows this. If he really cared about Jensen, his objective would be Jensen's health and happiness. But after so long, _so long_ serving the whims of others, Cougar has broken. He wants to try to do one thing for himself. Just the one. He is sorry Jensen is the one who will suffer for it. He would change it if he could. But he cannot.  
  
He is moving towards Jensen like a homing missile; like a slow bullet moves towards the heart. He has been fired, and now nothing can alter his course. Not even his own conscience. After all these years, his desire has won out over everything else.  
  
"Where have you been?" This is the most likely form the question will take. But this is not what Jensen will mean.  
  
"What were you doing?" he will mean. "Why did you go?" he will mean. "Why didn't you contact me?" he will mean.  
  
It will all come down to these two: what has Cougar done, and why has he done it.  
  
And still he does not know how to answer.  
  
He has been slowing his own progress towards Jensen for a long time, now. Putting it off. Dragging his feet. He still moves forward, as unstoppable as the tide, but it is a fractured movement, fraught with his own inability to find the words. Four languages, thousands and thousands of words in his head, and none of them are right.  
  
The truth is hard. He could make the answer easy.  
  
I didn't mean to, he could say. Or: I had no choice. I lost track of time. There was nothing you could have done to help. I didn't think you'd care. There was no other way. No one could do it but me. It had to be like this. Please trust me: this was the only way.  
  
Easy, easy, easy. All lies.  
  
He will not lie.  
  
I didn't want to, he could say. Or: I have done terrible things; more terrible even that what I did before. It was bad. It was awful. It needed to be done. I never wanted. . .  
  
He cannot tell the truth.  
  
At last, he is in New Hampshire. He spends two days alone, thinking only in Spanish, hoping that he will be able to find the words in the language he is most comfortable with and then translate them to English. It doesn't work.  
  
He spends barely an hour watching Jensen's home. There are cameras outside. Jensen would know he was coming. Cougar cannot go to him at home. He cannot know Cougar is coming before he stands in front of him. If Cougar is going to tell lies, he tells himself it is so that he can be sure Jensen won't be able to avoid him. If he's telling difficult truths, it's because he _must_ see Jensen's face when he realizes who Cougar is.  
  
The cameras prove that Jensen is still as vigilant as ever, so for many days Cougar watches from very, very far away. He's even more off-grid now than he has been since the last time he saw Jensen. He makes sure there is absolutely no way Jensen could know who or where he is.  
  
One of Jensen's friends (because Jensen has those, now: friends who are not Cougar. It is good. Cougar is glad for him. Really) owns a boutique selling jewelry and accessories. Jensen works there sometimes. There are few customers; Cougar suspects they cannot hire much staff, and that Jensen does it merely because he is bored and wishes to help.  
  
None of this kindness will be given to Cougar. He knows this. Jensen is a kind person, but even kind people have limits. Defenses. He will be non-violent and possibly civil when Cougar first arrives, but there will be no kindness. Whether or not Cougar will ever win back Jensen's kindness depends on the completion of the mission objective.  
  
Whether or not he ever wins back Jensen's compassion and gentleness is not a question. This is not something that can be won. Either Jensen will give these to him freely, or he will not. This is his choice to make. Cougar knows he does not deserve them, but he is being selfish now. He wants.  
  
On a particular Wednesday, Jensen goes to the store early. He doesn't have a key, but he opens the door anyway. Though the store's normal operating hours are nine to eight, he lets himself in and turns on the lights at five in the morning. Cougar watches. Jensen must be very bored today.  
  
However, it is likely that there will be no one but Jensen on the premises for several hours, if anyone else shows up at all.  
  
Cougar's moving before he means to.  
  
There are security cameras, but Jensen won't be watching them. He always sits behind the cash register with some device or other (laptop, phone, tablet, some mix thereof) and since there's a clear sightline to the glass storefront and glass door, he's got no need to monitor the security system.  
  
This is what Cougar tries to focus on. His feet are moving and he's not controlling them: it's less like walking, more like falling. The door is down.  
  
Cougar walks across the dark street. He steps onto the sidewalk. He can see Jensen through the windows: he's behind the counter, bent over and looking at something through the glass. Not watching the entrance. Cougar walks across the sidewalk. He reaches out his hand just in time to stop himself from walking face-first into the door. He pulls it open. A bell chimes. He walks over the threshold and into the store. One pace, two, three, four. In the space of a heartbeat.  
  
Jensen looks up.  
  
Cougar is standing right in front of him.  
  
He sees Jensen's reaction, as he'd thought he wanted to. Jensen hides none of it, and Cougar doesn't know why. He freezes. His eyes go wide. His mouth drops open. His eyebrows pull together like something in him hurts. He stays that way, and Cougar doesn't look away. Then he seems to realize that he's still hunched over, and he straightens. He's only two inches taller than Cougar, but right now he seems both tiny and looming. He closes his mouth. He swallows.  
  
Jensen's face scrunches. "Cougar?" he says. His voice is rougher than it used to be; deeper than Cougar remembers.  
  
Cougar looks at him. All this time worrying about how to say an impossible answer, and now every word he's ever known has fled his mind. He cannot say yes, or si, or haan, or it's me, or I'm here, or even Jensen's name. He cannot nod because he cannot look away.  
  
Jensen comes around the counter. Stumbles, because he does not take his eyes off Cougar's.  
  
They are very close, now. Less than a pace apart. If they get much closer, the brim of Cougar's hat will cut off their sight. He wants to push it back. He wants to pull it lower. He cannot move his hands.  
  
Jensen reaches out. Touches his shoulder. Just with his fingertips, like he's scared of hurting Cougar; like he's scared the feel of Cougar's shoulder will hurt _him_.  
  
He says, "How---?"  
  
Cougar looks down when Jensen cuts himself off. He doesn't mean to.  
  
He notes absently (the way he always notes every detail, extraneous or not, when he's embroiled in a firefight and not sniping from afar) that Jensen is wearing a bright orange shirt with Le Chat Noir on the front. That seems like it has a sideways significance, but Cougar's mind is spinning like a bald tire on wet leaves and he doesn't know what it might signify.  
  
"Cougar?" Jensen says again, only this time it's a question.  
  
There have been times when Cougar has been tortured. By those on his own side, by the enemy, by people who are both and neither at once. Of all the tortures visited upon him, Cougar has always hated electricity the most, because of the way his muscles stiffen beyond his control. That is what he feels like now. It does not matter if he wants to look up. He might want to, he might not, he isn't sure, but it doesn't matter, because he cannot move.  
  
"Si," Cougar says. Jensen's hand grips his shoulder.  
  
"Don't," Jensen says, and then he stops. His grip on Cougar's shoulder spasms in time with his breathing. Cougar waits. Jensen takes three deep, smooth breaths (in, two, three, out, two, three; breathing exercises for anxiety attacks and flashbacks all of them learned in therapy), then says, "Tell me what happened or don't--- fuck, man, never speak again if you don't want to--- just don't--- leave."  
  
Cougar looks up at him. He can feel his expression going wide with surprise. This was not _ever_ a permutation of this scenario that Cougar considered. This did not occur to him. Jensen's eyes are very blue. Cougar underestimated him.  
  
Too late, Cougar realizes that Jensen must be able to read the truth of the matter right off his face. Jensen always could read him better than anyone.  
  
" _Cougs_ ," Jensen breaths, stepping forward.  
  
Cougar holds his breath. His heart is thudding in his ears. His hands are shaking. His eyes are so wide he wouldn't be able to aim a gun right now if his life depended on it. His head is tipped far enough back that the hat isn't blocking them. And then Jensen reaches up, slowly so Cougar can see, and uses his free hand to gently lift the hat from Cougar's head. Normally without the hat he feels exposed; right now it feels like taking off his socks after already losing the rest of his clothes.  
  
Jensen comes closer still. The heat of him is incredible. Outside it's dim and misty, and it felt like there was no change in temperature when Cougar came in the store. Now, though, he's suddenly realizing how very cold he is, and the air around Jensen feels warm, so warm.  
  
Then Jensen stops. Hesitates. He was going to--- but he doesn't. His hand stays on Cougar's shoulder. His eyes stay very blue. Cougar still isn't breathing. Jensen says, "I need to hear you say it, man."  
  
These are words he never thought to try and find. This is a scenario he never let himself dream. This is--- what it feels like to badly underestimate the gentleness of Jacob Jensen.  
  
And this is the fourth really, incredibly important thing: "I'm in love with you," Cougar says.  
  
"Oh," Jensen says, the breath punching out of him like someone shot him in the stomach (again). "Right. Okay. Yeah."  
  
"I'm sorry," Cougar says. It is not the whole truth, but it is true.  
  
"Yeah," Jensen says. He's still staring at Cougar like he thinks he's hallucinating. "Me, too. I mean. I mean. Yeah. Okay. What am I doing? Fuck---"  
  
And then one of Jensen's hands pushes into Cougar's hair to cup the back of his neck, and his other arm wraps tight around Cougar's waist, and Cougar still can't control himself but his body seems to know what to do, winding his arms around Jensen's shoulders and pressing forward. It's less like standing still and more like falling. Jensen is down. And then Jensen is kissing him. And then Cougar is kissing him back.  
  
Jensen's lips are full. Not soft, but gentle. His goatee scrapes against Cougar's chin. His breath is shaky against Cougar's cheek. Cougar realizes both of them are trembling head to toe. Jensen tastes of morning dampness and sweet breath. Cougar loves him.  
  
They pull apart at the same moment, but don't pull back. Their foreheads rest together; their arms tighten. Jensen whispers against the corner of Cougar's mouth, "Te amo tambien, you know."  
  
Cougar swallows. "I will tell you," he promises. "I will explain. But not now, mi amor."  
  
"Just don't leave," Jensen says, and before Cougar can answer they're kissing again.  
  
They kiss for a long, long time. It is like nothing he has ever felt before. Jensen is warm in his arms and sweet against his mouth, his pulse fluttering wildly and his breath slow and deep, and when he pulls away again Cougar is dizzy with kissing.  
  
"We're getting out of here," Jensen says. Kisses him again--- twice more; thrice--- and then he walks around the counter to retrieve his things. He keeps hold of Cougar's hand the whole time, like he's not sure what will happen if he doesn't. Cougar isn't going anywhere, but he squeezes Jensen's hand and doesn't try to get away, to show him both that he's not leaving and that it's okay to hold on anyway.  
  
Ten minutes later the store is locked and unlit again, and they are walking down the damp sidewalks in the predawn dark, dew falling invisible and cold around them. Jensen is only two inches taller than him, but Cougar is tucked under his arm anyway.  
  
"Just tell me," Jensen says, and Cougar braces himself for impact, "is it over?" And once again, this is not what Cougar was expecting.  
  
"I just need to know," Jensen says, "so I know how cautious we need to be. And if you can tell me what would be best to protect you, that'd be helpful."  
  
"It is over," Cougar says. Inasmuch as anything like this can ever be truly over, when it will live in his mind and behind his eyes until he too has met his end. That, at least, is true.  
  
"Good," Jensen says. He kisses the side of Cougar's head. Cougar's free hand tightens involuntarily on his hat, and he tries to admit to himself that the feeling of Jensen's lips against his hair is precisely why he's carrying it instead of wearing it.  
  
He leans in to Jensen, and it occurs to him that he now has something completely different to wrap up in words. He has underestimated Jensen's ability to read Cougar's emotions for him. He has underestimated Jensen's need to be told how much he is loved.  
  
Simply I love you or te amo isn't enough. It's the truth, but it doesn't explain _why_. The why of it is scattered between Jensen's smile and his self-proclaimed wikiknowledge and the control of his trigger finger and his unflinching gentleness in the face of every bad thing Cougar has ever done or been. In this, at least, Cougar will have the aid of poets and writers in every language ever spoken by mankind, though he still doubts he'll be able to find words to explain Jensen _to_ Jensen anymore than he could find words to explain why he stayed away.  
  
He holds Jensen tighter as they walk through the mist and resolves to spend his life doing his best to help Jensen understand anyway.

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
